That is why so many fake doms end up hurting someone, or themselves. If you are not naturally dominat that means you are faking. Sorry to break that to you. No one can teach you how to have a certain type of personality. No one can teach you to do your job well. No one can teach you how to “act” like a Domme.
Just like no one can teach you how to “act” black. Or white. Or mexican.
If you black, you black. Same for Dominants.
And also, BDSM porn is only an issue for Pro-Dommes.
Is it really that hard to understand?
What I’m saying is that you don’t have to naturally be an asshole to be a good dom[me].
Dom[me]s hurt people when they improperly use toys/instruments/don’t listen to their sub. Dom[me]s hurt themselves when they are either unfortunate enough to be a part of a community that sets a rigid standard for what THEY consider to be ‘proper’ Dom[me]s (which means they never get a chance to grow/are bullied out of exploring that side of them/turn into know-it-all jerks and add to the shitty part of the bdsm community) and subs or when they refuse to learn about the lifestyle and all of its facets because they think all there is to know has been covered in bdsm porn.
Don’t leave out porn in this. Just like improperly taught sex-ed can lead to people taking sex lessons from porn, there are people who aren’t properly introduced to the bdsm lifestyle that think that the stuff in porn is all there is to it (completely ignoring the fact that the lifestyle isn’t about sex, not everyone is into pain, never knowing about aftercare, all that jazz).
Now as for learning to ‘act’ a Dom[me]…let me get back to that point that you don’t HAVE to a yelling, screaming, mean, asshole, bitch to be a Dom[me]. You just don’t. You can be a loving, but firm Mommy (or Daddy) for your abdl/little sub; you of course can be the RAWR, MEGA DOMME BICTH; you can be the sort that never raises a hand and all of your power lies in punishments that involve writing lines or standing in the corner.
TLDR: There is no one ‘right’ attitude for being dominant. So long as everything is consensual and you’re taking care to protect the health of your sub, you’re doin’ it right.
Onto that learning different things business. 1. Being a POC and Domme are not comparable. 2. How are you able to do your job and progress if someone somewhere down the line didn’t teach you? 3. If you’re a pro-Domme that isn’t into the lifestyle outside of work, how do you learn to do your job? 4. having a dominant personality doesn’t mean you’re automatically destined to be a good Dom[me]. 5. personalities can and do change
You see where I’m going with this. Just because you have a naturally dominant personality doesn’t mean you can discover bdsm one day and be like ‘Oh shit son, I know alladis shit and I don’t have anything to learn ever’. You LEARN how to care for a sub. You LEARN how to use whatever instruments from whatever play you engage in. You LEARN the spots you can’t hit on a person. That’s like saying that because businessmen are so dominant in every other facet of their lives that it’s impossible for them to be ‘real’ submissives.
I’ll use myself as an example. I’m not particularly a dominant person day-to-day. Hell, most people if they didn’t know better would peg me as all sub. I’ve been studying this lifestyle since I was 14/15 (albeit what I was learning was Gor stuff and had a brief stint being taught by someone who was actually an abusive fuck….another thing to add to the ‘why this needs to be taught’ list), dipped my toe into it at the same age, and now I live with my muffin/sub and we’ve been a part of the community for 3 years now. I used to think I could never be a Domme because I was too nice. When I first moved to be with muffin when I was 18, it was the first time I’d been able to dominate him personally. A friend taught use the basics of certain toys they had and let me practice. Honestly, I fucking sucked. My aim was awful, I made rules that I only enforced sporadically or never enforced at all, I’ve been guilty of hitting the kidney area harder than I should have, I didn’t know about aftercare, when I first learned about aftercare I didn’t know how important it is. Even now I still struggle with certain things like being more assertive and not stopping with beatings every 5 minutes because I’m worried I’m hurting muffin too badly. Basically, I was learning to be a Domme. And now, I’m learning to be a better Domme. It doesn’t make me a fake. It just means I’m learning more about and bettering myself.
It’s a learning process. Plain and simple.
Edit: Where I will agree though, is that you can’t force it. If you’re vanilla or, submissive, or for whatever other reason aren’t interested in being a Dom[me], you can’t force it. You either want to dominate and are willing to learn how or you don’t.
Bless this post.
I probably project as dominant (in fact, I’ve been told that I do) and I am strongly attracted to submissive men. But my terror of FUCKING UP is part of why I am so nervous about finding a submissive boy or being ‘part of the scene’ or ‘a real dom’. I will probably get terrified of hurting my partner, probably back off from both of our desires because of some internalized bullshit, and that doesn’t mean that I’m not dominant. That fear, that uncertainty, all that bullshit- I am still not in any way interested in being submissive, or vanilla with men. I am still a top, still a dom, even if I have things to learn, and to get used to, and to try.
so um bless this post for being a reassurance.